How Attachment Styles Develop
Attachment styles form during our earliest relationships, most often with caregivers. Attachment is fundamentally about survival—it helps us get our needs met and stay connected to those we depend on.
A clear example of this is how a baby instinctively cries to communicate an unmet need, such as hunger, discomfort, or the need for closeness. When caregivers respond consistently, attuned, and emotionally available, a child learns:
- My needs matter
- I am safe to express myself
- Others can be trusted
This forms the foundation of
secure attachment.
When caregivers are inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, intrusive, or unpredictable, a child may develop an
insecure attachment style. Over time, this can lead to deeply held beliefs such as:
- “My needs are too much.”
- “If I express myself, people will leave.”
- “I have to earn love or stay small to stay connected.”
Because attachment is relational, a parent or caregiver’s own attachment style often influences how they show up—meaning these patterns can be
passed down intergenerationally. Children then grow into adults who may unconsciously seek out relationships that reinforce familiar attachment dynamics, even when those dynamics are painful.
What Happens When Attachment Patterns Go Unexamined
Without awareness, insecure attachment styles tend to
repeat themselves.
For example, someone with an
anxious attachment style may have learned early on that care or affection could be withdrawn at any moment. To protect the relationship, they learned to:
- Suppress their emotions
- Anticipate others’ moods
- Avoid expressing needs or boundaries
As an adult, this person may continue ignoring their feelings when a partner does something that feels hurtful. And if they do finally speak up, they may find themselves in relationships where their concerns are dismissed or met with anger—reinforcing the belief that speaking up is unsafe.
This isn’t because they are doing something wrong. It’s because the nervous system is wired to seek
familiar attachment experiences, even when they no longer serve us.
Can Insecure Attachment Be Healed?
Yes—but healing insecure attachment is not about “fixing” yourself. It’s about creating
new relational experiences that challenge old beliefs and help your nervous system learn safety in connection.
Healing happens through what therapists call
reparative or corrective relationships—relationships where your needs are acknowledged, your emotions are welcomed, and your boundaries are respected.
Four Tips to Begin Healing Insecure Attachment
1. Recognize Where Your Beliefs Came From
The first step is acknowledging how your early relationships shaped your view of yourself and others. This isn’t about blaming caregivers—it’s about understanding the context in which your attachment patterns developed.
Awareness creates choice.
2. Gently Challenge Old Narratives
As adults, we can remind ourselves:
Not everyone will relate to me the way my caregivers did.
This reminder alone doesn’t rewire attachment, but it opens the door to new possibilities and interrupts the assumption that past dynamics are inevitable.
3. Seek Out Emotionally Safe, Attuned Relationships
Healing insecure attachment requires relational safety. This may look like:
- Choosing partners or friends who are emotionally responsive
- Noticing how your body feels around certain people
- Allowing yourself to move more slowly in relationships
It's critical to understand
you cannot heal attachment wounds in environments that continue to reinforce them.
4. Practice Showing Up Differently (Even When It’s Hard)
This is often the most challenging—and most transformative—part.
Healing may involve:
- Expressing needs in real time
- Naming discomfort instead of suppressing it
- Setting boundaries without over-explaining
For someone with anxious attachment, this might mean risking honesty instead of self-silencing. Over time, when needs are met rather than punished, new beliefs begin to form:
- “My needs are important.”
- “I can express myself and still be loved.”
You cannot heal attachment wounds in environments that continue to reinforce them.
Why Change Can Feel So Hard
It’s important to name that showing up differently requires
courage.
Trying to shift patterns that once protected you can activate fear, stress, or resistance. Parts of you may warn:
- Don’t rock the boat.
- This isn’t safe.
- You could lose the relationship.
These parts aren’t the problem—they developed to keep you connected and safe.
Healing insecure attachment isn’t about forcing yourself into discomfort. It’s about
building capacity, resourcing your nervous system, and trusting that what’s on the other side of the discomfort—greater security, authenticity, and connection—is worth it.
Moving Toward Secure Attachment
Secure attachment isn’t perfection. It’s the ability to repair, communicate, and remain connected—even when things feel messy.
If you’re on this path, you’re not behind. You’re responding to patterns that once made sense—and now you’re choosing something more aligned.
